Being The Peace You Needed

Be the peace you needed. The one you searched long and far for, outside yourself. The lovers you sought, that only left you empty inside. Those experiences you seeked that left you with only a sip, but not the full cup.

A rewind in time:

Overlooking the mountains of Hokkaido, Japan soaking in a hot spring on a chilly June day, soaking in what would only be a moment’s peace. Ahhh I wish i could feel this way all the time with myself and honestly who wouldn’t feel peaceful sitting in a hot spring in Japan with the mountains in the distance? I needed that peace, fully though. I needed that peace when I couldn’t reach Japan. I just didn’t know how.

So, I sought outside myself for as many experiences as possible to find this peace. Spas, massages, lovers, etc. I thought if I listed all these things that gave me peace, that would be enough.

However, that wasn’t the case when I got stretched into a pretzel on a hot summer day in Florence, Italy, as my masseuse was performing a thai massage and huffing and puffing because I just could not relax. Quite sure she would throw me against the wall if she could, just to knock the thoughts out of my brain. WHY WASN’T I FINDING PEACE WHEN I WAS DOING THE THINGS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL PEACEFUL! Ughh.

It was then I should have realized, peace wasn’t to be found outside myself, but in myself. Oh my gosh, how cliche of a saying right? Like duh, Teisha, we already know peace can only be found within. Okay okay chill, we sometimes hear things, but not fully grasp the meaning okay or how to reach it. And honestly if we did fully grasp the meaning, then how come some of us are still seeking outside ourselves? Okay, yeah that’s what I thought.

I needed to find peace within myself, because what happens when I am not near a spa!? Hellooooo.

What I needed was a map! A map to find this peace. Instructions that would let me know how to handle disruptions in my daily life that were disturbing my peace. Now where would I find this map, I had been searching high and low for years. I was looking for peace within a lover’s arms to silence my own inner thoughts. I was booking ticket after ticket to go sit on a beach somewhere in the tropics. Shoot, I galloped halfway across the world trying to find this peace only to be met with so many folks who would try to disturb my peace. Falling in love with people who gave anything, but a peace of mind.

The universe loves to play tricks by putting you in situations to test your inner peace.

I was searching for this map for years until I finally gave up and just asked for the map. My dad always told me, “you don’t get what you don’t ask for. We aren’t mind readers.” BINGO, all I had to do was ask.

I’m a believer in meditation. I am a believer in prayer. I am a believer in the universe. I still didn’t ask though, until I had reached my limit. Imagine not eating until you are starving, that’s basically what I did-now that’s unhealthy!

So here I was somewhere in the mountains again, barely able to hold my head up in the bed, soaking in a deep depression could barely move type of depression. I was DESPERATE. I was so desperate, my voice could barely tumble out any words, so I muttered to my higher self; “give me the instructions. Show me the map. I need peace.” -or some shit like that i said. And then finally I dragged myself or better yet crawled to the bath, because I smelled so bad, and ate for the first time in 20 hours.

Now that map didn’t magically appear out of thin air. Nah, the universe was all like, “sista girl what you gonna give me if I give you this? This ain’t no free lunch program boo!”

Man, I sat with myself on that one. I lit candles, made some offerings, and still got a no. What was I doing wrong!? The universe was all like, “what can you give me of yourself?”

Damn, was I about to be like the little mermaid and sacrifice my throat chakra to Ursula?

Nahh, I just had to be honest with myself. I had to ask myself, what about myself isn’t giving me peace and sacrificing that shit.

Now that I decided to make a sacrifice after a long hard honest talk with myself, I was ready to receive my how to map.

Those “how to’s” came in many different forms, triggers, and lessons. I had to pay attention though and learn to read that ‘map’.

I haven’t completed the map, but I am no longer where I started.

No longer am I in a desert thirsting for water, I am the cacti who has the ability to conserve the water I do get and transform it.

I become the peace I need.